DID BUSH DO HIS DUTY?

"Doonesbury" creator Garry Trudeau has offerred a $10,000 reward for proof that Bush fulfilled his Vietnam-era military duties while a member of the Alabama Air National Guard, the Houston Chronicle reports.

Here's the version I wrote.

ASHCROFT SINGS

No, really. Our illustrious attorney general apparently sings better than he knows the Bill of Rights. It's called "Let the Eagles Soar."

No word yet on whether he'll try out for "American Idol: Right-Wingers."

NASCAR FOR BUSH?

Don't think it's in the bag. At least one reporter outside of the White House press corps found disenchantment and ambiguity in the land of Dale Earnhardt.

McJOBS

This week, "Resident" Bush had the audacity to raise the question of whether fast-food jobs should be considered manufacturing jobs.

In light of the fact he lost 2.6 million jobs thus far, one can see the benefit in such a slick, if laughable, juggling of words.

John Kerry had an appropriate response:

"If this president is going to tell middle-class factory workers that even though their job has disappeared, they can still have a good manufacturing job at $5.15 an hour at McDonald's, let him come to Ohio."

TO BE OR NOT TO BE A REPUBLICAN

This list, forwarded to me by a friend, has been around for a while but keeps getting updated, apparently. Good stuff.



Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

4. "Standing Tall" for America means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the 1980s is irrelevant.

20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

IT'S STILL THE ECONOMY, STUPID

It seems that the mantra used in Clinton's 1996 campaign again holds true today.

Bush Acknowledges Jobs Going Overseas: "On Monday, Gregory Mankiw, chairman of the President's Council of Economic Advisers, said such 'outsourcing' by U.S. companies is 'just a new way of doing international trade.'

"A Republican normally loyal to the White House, House Speaker Dennis Hastert, said he disagreed that shipping American jobs abroad was good for the U.S. economy."

If Hastert knows this, why don't Democrats?

SCALIA QUACKS BACK

Not one to be easily cowed, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia on Tuesday night defended the hunting trip he took with Vice President Dick Cheney last month and says he won't recuse himself from hearing a case involving the Veep's secret energy meetings. The trip was hosted at a private game reserve owned by an oil company executive, yet Scalia will hear a case in which Cheney is a defendant because he doesn't want to release information related to his energy policy task force meetings.

An Associated Press story quotes the justice as saying at Amherst College on Tuesday night:

"It did not involve a lawsuit against Dick Cheney as a private individual. This was a government issue. It's acceptable practice to socialize with executive branch officials when there are not personal claims against them. That's all I'm going to say for now. Quack, quack."

Remember: This is one of the finest legal minds who handed the presidency to Bush in 2000.

BUSH POLLS LOW

The best line from this Associated Press story about the "resident's" popularity comes from a disenchanted former Bush voter:

"I think he's run the country into the ground economically, and he comes out with these crazy ideas like going to Mars and going to the moon," said Richard Bidlack, a 78-year-old retiree from Boonton, N.J., who says he voted for Bush in 2000. "I'm so upset at Bush, I'll vote for a chimpanzee before I vote for him."

That's probably how voters decided between Dubya and Al Gore in the last election.

SUPREME LOYALTY

In a story that calls into question the impartiality of at least one Supreme Court member, albeit the most conservative, partisan one, a Los Angeles Times story details how chummy Justice Antonin Scalia and Vice President Dick Cheney are.

At the basic level, Cheney and Scalia went duck hunting together — nothing wrong there. The problem is that Scalia will be hearing a case in the Bush administration wants the Supremes to throw out a lower court ruling forcing Cheney to turn over documents related to secret meetings with energy industry officials.

The Times writes: "Two military Black Hawk helicopters were brought in and hovered nearby as Cheney and Scalia were whisked away in a heavily guarded motorcade to a secluded, private hunting camp owned by an oil industry businessman."

"Federal law says that 'any justice or judge shall disqualify himself in any proceeding in which his impartiality might be questioned.'

"When asked about the trip last month, Scalia confirmed that he had gone duck hunting with Cheney, but said he did not see a need to withdraw from the case.

"This week, the justice was asked whether he had traveled to south Louisiana as Cheney's guest or paid for the trip. He refused to comment."

Does that sound like a separation of powers? Not likely, unless it's rabbit season.

BOOB ON TUBE

Justin Timberlake now says he didn't mean to expose Janet Jackson's near-bare breast during the Super Bowl half-time show.

An Associated Press story states:

"Timberlake said he didn't have time to rehearse it before taking the stage and was stunned by the outcome.

"'I mean I was completely shocked and appalled, and all I could say was "Oh my God, Oh my God,'' he said.'"

Cry us a river, Justin.

LA FEMME W.

If you've ever wondered what Bush would look like as a girl, here's your chance.

It ain't pretty.